The Upstairs Toilet
by Scabbers1
Summary: "...a memorable afternoon in which they found a murderous old ghoul lurking in an upstairs toilet..." -OOTP, pg. 118 What was so memorable about that afternoon? Just a touch of R/Hr for good measure.


Disclaimer: characters- not mine. If you sue, I'll claim I was working under the Imperius curse.  
  
Without further ado...  
  
The Upstairs Toilet  
  
by Scabbers  
  
"Mum's lost it," said Ron. "Total nutters." He shook his head in amazement.  
  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and the twins, plus Tonks, had been recruited to conquer the upstairs east wing of the mansion, which Sirius admitted he doubted even Kreacher had entered in at least a decade. There were several rooms off a wide corridor, everything awash with dim light that filtered through the dusty windows and bulbs. As far as Harry could see, every surface was covered in filth.  
  
"Off her rocker," muttered Ron under his breath, and Harry secretly agreed. He didn't want to speak ill of Mrs. Weasley, but she was taking this whole cleaning mission a bit far.  
  
"Guess we should start," said Tonks. "What do you say, everyone takes a trash vanisher."  
  
"I've got them right here," said Hermione. She held up what looked like a bunch of shopping bag-sized canvas sacks, and began to distribute them.  
  
"Um, aren't those a bit small for this job?" asked Harry, clutching his carelessly with two fingers. "I'll fill this in about a second."  
  
"No you won't," replied Hermione. "The junk will keep disappearing, you'll see. Now, come on. You too, Fred and George, everyone needs one." The twins, who had been busy tracing their initials in the thick layer of dust over one window, regarded Hermione with matching looks of displeasure.  
  
"Why'd we have to do this anyway?" complained George. "If the Order wants us out of their hair, they could just say so."  
  
"Not that we'd listen," added Fred, shrugging, "But still."  
  
Tonks scrunched up her face, and Harry was sure she was going to change the shape of her nose or something. A moment later, however, when she still looked exactly the same, it became evident that she was simply lost in thought.  
  
"You think they just want you out of their hair?" she said finally. She looked as though that thought hadn't occurred to her before.  
  
Ginny nodded. "I imagine so."  
  
"Seems right obvious," said Ron.  
  
Tonks cocked her head. "Wonder why they were so keen on having me protect you then, if you don't need protecting." She seemed more than a little irritated. "Some hush-hush mission they're on. Don't bother to invite me along- I am an auror, you know. Wait'll you kids see what you have to put up with as a young professional. It's positively- OW!" She had walked straight into a door, eliciting sniggers from Fred and George. "Now why wouldn't they bring her along for the secret quiet mission?" Harry heard one twin whisper to the other.  
  
The girls fussed over Tonks for a bit, who thanked them and insisted she was okay. "All right," she said, taking charge once more. "I'm thinking, just pick a room and go at it." Again, the twins snickered, glancing evilly from Ron to Hermione.  
  
"And no magic," she added, almost as an afterthought.  
  
"Except for us," said Fred, "Seeing as we're of age."  
  
Tonks narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Be good," she said.  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione had started with the dusty piles of clutter in a large room to the left of the corridor. At first, they were fascinated with the trash vanishers, but as the novelty wore off, they just threw things in haphazardly, wanting only to get the job over with. Tonks drifted over to each area they'd cleared and did her best to get rid of the dust with various cleaning charms.  
  
"She's not so good at the sweeping spell," muttered Hermione, who looked like she was itching to whip out her wand and have a go at it herself.  
  
"Well, she's an auror," said Harry. "She's got more important spells to worry about."  
  
Ron glanced over at Tonks, who was having little luck with the Scourgify charm. "I'll tell you," he said. "This is not how I'd want to spend my day of I was an auror."  
  
Tonks seemed to be thinking along the same lines. She kept sighing noisily, and managed to stub her toe while kicking the wall in frustration. Harry decided to go talk to her.  
  
"It's just miserable to be stuck here cleaning, when the others are off fighting and taking care of important things," she fumed.  
  
"Yeah," said Harry quietly, "I know." He was silent for a moment. "Well," he said finally, "Why don't you tell me about being an auror. Ron and I think it's the coolest job..."  
  
"Hmph. Well, obviously, I haven't been in the profession all that long..." she said modestly, but Harry could tell her mood had improved a bit. She told him about her first few months on the job as they worked steadily on a stubborn area by the doorway.  
  
All of the sudden, there was a shriek and a crash from across the room. Harry and Tonks rushed over, wands out, to where Ron was now sprawled out over a pile of dusty books. Hermione was standing over him, hands on her hips.  
  
"A spider? Honestly, Ron. And Merlin's Beard, Harry, put that wand away! You're in enough trouble as it is." Rolling her eyes, she reached out a hand to help Ron up.  
  
At that moment, an anxious looking Ginny rushed in, followed by the twins, who just looked amused.  
  
"Is everything all right?" she asked. She looked from Ron to Hermione to Harry to Tonks.  
  
"Yeah," muttered Ron. "Just a spider."  
  
"Figured as much," said Fred, smirking. He wiggled his fingers like spider legs in Ron's face and squealed girlishly.  
  
"Shut up," said Ron.  
  
"Fred, don't be an arse," said Ginny. "Listen, I'm going to the bathroom- you want to come, Hermione?"  
  
"What, you're scared to go alone?" shot Fred, who seemed a bit miffed at her. "Jumpy lot, you siblings are."  
  
George chuckled. "No, mate, that's not it," he said. "It's, like, a girl thing."  
  
"Ah yes. Girly girly girl-talk!" said Fred.  
  
"Never mind," said Ginny. "I'll go by myself." Shaking her head with irritation, she stalked off down the corridor to the toilet.  
  
They had just settled back into working when, for the second time that day, a scream pierced the quiet.  
  
"Ginny!" said Ron, dropping his trash vanisher with a start. "She's hurt!"  
  
Fred and George looked pale. "Nah, she's messing with us since we gave her a hard time about the bathroom," said Fred, unconvincingly.  
  
Ron ignored him, and darted out into the corridor, the others at his heels. "Ginny, where are you?" he yelled.  
  
"You okay Ginny?" echoed Tonks.  
  
There was a clang like metal hitting tile, followed by another scream. "Ron! George! Fred!" they heard her yell. "Third door on the left, hurry!"  
  
"We're coming," said Ron and Harry simultaneously, bursting through the door. Ginny was crouched in the far corner, clutching a broken toilet seat tightly to her chest. Scattered on the tiles in front of her were several antique silver knives bearing the Black family crest.  
  
"What's going on?" demanded Tonks. She moved towards Ginny, who yelled for her to stay back.  
  
"Careful, Tonks! He's in the shower there. Get your wand out!"  
  
"Who's in the-" began Tonks, but her voice seemed to disappear when another knife flew from the shower to Ginny's corner. Ginny blocked it with her toilet seat, and it clattered harshly to the ground.  
  
Tonks whipped out her want. "Who the hell's in there?" she snapped, poised for a confrontation. She ripped the curtain open and adjusted her gaze so she was looking downwards. There, on the floor of the shower, sat a hideous ghoul and several dozen sharp knives.  
  
The ghoul was short and squat, and his whole body seemed to be coated in a nasty layer of grayish-green slime. He had a broad, warty face and a bulbous nose, vast nostrils. His large, protruding teeth were covered with such a thick layer of grunge that Harry saw Hermione, whose parents were dentists, shudder involuntarily.  
  
"This house," Tonks muttered. "Accio knives!" The knives floated slowly towards her and landed at her feet.  
  
The ghoul, furious at the intervention, growled heartily and tore down the shower curtain's metal rod. Drawing it up as high as his stubby arms would allow, he glowered at Tonks and brought it down swiftly towards her head.  
  
"Impedimenta!" yelled Fred and George simultaneously, but in their haste, they miscalculated in their aim and managed only to freeze each other. The ghoul, however, paused with the shower rod in midair and gazed back and forth, from one twin to the other. He seemed both mesmerized and disoriented by their likeness.  
  
Tonks quickly used Expelliarmus to disarm the ghoul, who hardly seemed to notice. When the twins recovered from their own curse, they exchanged enthusiastic high fives.  
  
"Well done, mate!"  
  
"Reckon we confused the hell out of him!" Hermione simply rolled her eyes.  
  
"You know," mused Tonks. "That gives me a bit of an idea..." She closed her eyes and scrunched up her face. A moment later, Harry was amazed to see she'd fashioned herself to look very much like Ginny.  
  
The ghoul was so startled, he was rendered grunt-less. Slowly, he drew himself out of the shower and towards Tonks for a closer look. Tonks looked slightly revolted as the ghoul reached towards her with one slimy hand, but she managed to motion behind her back for the real Ginny to break free of her corner. The ghoul, prodding Tonks in her newly freckled nose, paid Ginny no mind as she slipped by and resettled safely behind the twins.  
  
Tonks laughed nervously. "Yup, real nose. Pretty cool, isn't it?" Her voice sounded loud and freakishly cheerful. "Look, see, I can change it as often as I please. You like that?"  
  
As if offering a gift, Tonks showed the ghoul first a pig nose, then a pointy nose, and finally, a large bulbous nose exactly like the ghoul's own. The ghoul drew back as if Tonks had slapped him. Then, suddenly, he thrust his face forward and upward until he was looking Tonks in the eye, and growled menacingly.  
  
"That'll do," said George, raising his wand. "How about I tell this slimy git to bugger off for good." He opened his mouth to deliver some flashy curse, but was interrupted by an urgent shout from Hermione.  
  
"DON'T! Stop, George, let him be! I'll talk to him,"  
  
"What?" George said, gaping at her as if she was mental.  
  
"I said, I'll talk to him." She stared right back at him, hands on her hips.  
  
"Hermione, it's a ghoul," said Ron. "You can't reason with them. You can't just sit em down and have a chat."  
  
Hermione gave him a look that would freeze a volcano. "That's exactly the kind of attitude that not only perpetuates these foolish prejudices, but is responsible for them in the first place. How do you know you can't reason with a ghoul? When was the last time you tried?" With that, she pushed past him and marched directly over to where the ghoul stood, leering at Tonks.  
  
"Hey," she said, tapping it tentatively on the arm to get its attention. The ghoul swiveled its head over to look at her and growled uncertainly. "What's up?"  
  
Taking a deep breath, Hermione shooed Tonks away, and began to speak to the ghoul in low tones. Harry strained to hear what she was saying, but she was talking too softly for him to make anything out- and Ron's ongoing commentary wasn't making it any easier.  
  
"She's actually talking to that thing. What's she saying to it anyway? You think it understands?"  
  
"Shh," whispered Harry.  
  
"Sorry," said Ron. "Hey, you don't think it speaks English, do you?"  
  
Harry shrugged. "I can't hear a thing."  
  
Ron narrowed his eyes. "They've been talking for quite awhile, haven't they? You don't think she, you know, likes him or anything like that- not that it matters, but-"  
  
"RON," said Ginny, giggling. "He's a ghoul."  
  
"Right," Ron said, blushing.  
  
Harry bit his lip to keep from smiling, and focused on the bit of therapeutic magic Hermione seemed to be working. As far as he could tell, she wasn't doing anything but speaking earnestly into the ghoul's lumpy face, but amazingly, he was responding- nodding and giving his nostrils the occasional enthusiastic flare. Harry thought he even saw one murky tear roll down the ghoul's cheek.  
  
"Amazing," said Ron, shaking his head.  
  
Finally, Hermione drew herself up and patted the ghoul encouragingly on the back.  
  
"I think she's done," whispered Tonks.  
  
"Yup, look, she's coming back, she's-"  
  
Suddenly, the ghoul enveloped Hermione in a massive, slimy hug. Hermione, obviously startled, nevertheless smiled weakly and bore it without complaint.  
  
"Oh gross," muttered Ron, looking like he was going to vomit.  
  
"I don't think he'll be bothering us anymore," declared Hermione, once they'd taken their leave of the ghoul and headed back downstairs.  
  
"Now that you two are so chummy and everything," remarked Ron, glancing at her sideways.  
  
Hermione sighed. "You have to look at the way someone's acting, Ron, and ask yourself why they're acting that way. You'll find that most people have reasons."  
  
"Well, what's his reason then?"  
  
Hermione blinked. "Isn't it obvious?" she said. He's insecure about how he looks."  
  
Fred and George snorted loudly.  
  
"Go ahead and laugh, but it can be a big deal. It was truly bothering him."  
  
"He told you this?" asked Harry skeptically.  
  
"I figured it out," said Hermione. "And I kind of tried to tell him how looks don't matter and stuff-"  
  
"If you're a ghoul," muttered Ron.  
  
Hermione ignored him. "And anyway, there's things he can do to make it a little better. I'm going to get my parents to send over a toothbrush and some other supplies, see if we can't get his teeth in order at least."  
  
They all just stared at her. Even Ginny seemed to be holding back a laugh.  
  
"Anyway," said Hermione, "Think I'll go shower now."  
  
Ron nodded. "There's an idea. Ghoul got you all slimy, didn't it?"  
  
"'He,' Ron, not 'it'. And I don't mind a bit of slime."  
  
"Heh. More than a bit, I'd say. I'll tell you, there's no way I'd let some slimy ghoul hug me. I wouldn't put up with that, no-"  
  
"Wouldn't you?" asked Hermione.  
  
"As a matter of fact, I wouldn't," retorted Ron. "Can't think of anything more disgusting, actually. Don't think I'd- Oh!"  
  
He shut his mouth, suddenly. Hermione had just hugged him.  
  
Later:  
  
"Think Mum will make us clean anything else tomorrow?" Ron asked. It was about midnight, and the boys were drifting off to bed.  
  
"Probably," said Harry, yawning.  
  
"Yeah...," Ron was gazing up at the ceiling. "Guess it wasn't so boring today after all, though."  
  
"Can't complain myself." Harry felt his eyelids get heavy. Ron's voice sounded fuzzier and fuzzier.  
  
"Whadja think of Hermione out there, huh? Is she mental or what?"  
  
"Mmmm..."  
  
"You know," said Ron, sighing contentedly. "I reckon that ghoul wasn't half bad after all."  
  
fin  
  
Ghouls are sexy. Please review! 


End file.
